Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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