I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
