I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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