I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
