Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize