I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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