i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
