My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
