Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
