There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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