Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
