Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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