i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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