Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
