I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
