I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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