u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
