He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
