I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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