The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
