Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
