Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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