I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
