What did we do last night that was yellow?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize