WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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