Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
