his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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