no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
