Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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