i jhust puked up my retainher.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
