I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
