i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize