??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can't talk, ducks in the car
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
