All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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