after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
