I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Randomize
