god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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