I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
