hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize