my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
