i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
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