my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
