Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize