We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
