Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
