I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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