In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
