nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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