I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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