shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
