Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
