you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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