i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
