This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
