im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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