I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
