I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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