I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
