I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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