Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
