You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
