Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
